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Real Dates Matter Just As Much as In Between Dates

Photo by: @t_reel

Well it's finally here - 2018. The year of "you". The year that you will finally start eating healthy, hitting the gym, and eliminating fuck boys for reals. The year that you will surround yourself with people who you actually care about and who actually care about you. The year of priorities and the year of being selfish because damn, why not? Now, this is more than just a post about you living your best life and about about my 2017 reflections and 2018 goals. This is a post about something that shouldn’t even need to be addressed but from past experiences and stories I’ve heard it’s about time we start putting these thoughts on paper.

For the gentlemen out there who need a daily insight into the minds' of women, I got you. Listen up: Your actions in between dates matter just as much as the date itself. Let's just take a moment to have that soak into your mind. For most women, there are two things that always come up when talking about going on a date or about a new man 1. They weren't taken out on a real date and 2. The guy does not communicate enough before or after, the latter being the most common. News flash guys, if you think that going MIA for a week is cool, think again.

Obviously the best of both worlds is to have a guy take us out on real dates and to check in with us every now and then but we live in a world where most guys don’t think to take that type of initiative. Communication between dates gives us (women) reassurance that you are still interested in seeing us again. If you aren't checking in to see how our day went or how that important talk with our roommates went down the ball has been dropped. If you aren’t asking about how we are it will seem that you just don’t listen or actually just don’t care. And if you aren’t asking about those little important things but hitting us up for other things it is clear where your mind is at. Whether you are just starting to see someone or have been dating for a while, nobody - man or woman- wants to feel undervalued or used.

Now don't get me wrong, if a guy doesn't check in with us everyday it doesn't mean we'll say see ya but it'll definitely decrease our interest and likelihood of saying yes to future dates. Even if you are trying to keep things casual and laid back that's fine! But in all seriousness if you think that we will continue to hook up with you when you go silent for a week- think again. We're all aware that if someone wants to make something happen on either end that person will put the effort in. If we start feeling like you're pulling back and not reaching out as much we'll start getting the "i need space vibe" and move onto the next. Move on to someone who is appreciative both in bed and at dinner. Just because we vibe in one environment doesn't mean it translates everywhere else. We want the whole package not just one piece- come on, it is 2018.

It's kind of silly that a blog post is actually being written about this topic because most people would agree with the below equation of:

if you like someone = you will communicate with them

But clearly that is not the case. There have been way too many instances where lack of communication between dates has killed so many potential what-if-relationships that an explanation has to be written. In terms of dating, if you just drop the ball and go MIA for 6 days or even months you can't possibly expect things to be the same as you left them. Relationships are like plants where you need to give them attention and care in order for them to grow. And if you actually didn't care why are you even seeing/dating them? Take responsibility for your actions before you actually ruin a good thing. Ok, enough of me rambling, here are 4 scenarios of how to keep her interested:

1. Date was fun but you want to keep things casual for a while

We get it, you're in your twenties and this is your time to explore and have fun and if that means hooking up with more than 1 person than you do you boo. But that doesn't mean everyone is on the same page as you. Women like to hook up with men just as much as men like to hook up with women. However, women like to hook up with men who are interested in and care about them. It seems that guys like to prolong texting to 1-2 days a week in an effort to keep things casual however that just seems illogical to women. Eventually you will piss them off and you'll have to start thinking of how to keep them in your life at all. Texting us to see how our day went or telling us about a funny meme isn't going to lead to marriage or us writing your name with hearts all over in our notebook, so cool it! Sending a text every couple of days will send a message to us that yes you are interested, you like us, and want to keep talking. Rule of thumb- texting us every couple of days will not progress things to go at a rapid pace but will progress things to go at a mild pace rather than having us get fed up and cold shouldering you. So the most important thing to note is establishing a regular cadence of texting will do wonders and is the easiest way to show continued interest, because no matter how slow or fast you want to take things, we'll still want to seek attention from you.

2. Feeling confident that she's into you

Cheers to you! You've made it through one or maybe a couple of dates and you're confident that she's digging you. Maybe it was your smooth words or exceptional dance moves either way it's a great feeling. If you're feeling confident about her interest in you that means she must be doing all the right things: sending you flirty texts, casually touching your arm when you say something funny and looking at you in that oh so special way. Pretty much giving you attention during the dates and in between the dates. Well just because she has let you know her interest level doesn't mean that you get a free pass. Your effort is still required guys. This is the perfect time for you to reciprocate that feeling if that's really how you feel. Women are told that men are supposed to pursue them and from personal experience men even like it when we are a challenge to them. [To be clear, we are not a prize :) ] If we notice that we are the ones reaching out most of the time to chat or set another date we'll prob scale it back and put the ball in your court to see what you do with it. So this is your time to pick up your phone and text her to see how she's doing or even better yet set up a time to see her. Relationships whether they are casual or not require two people's effort not just one.

3. You've set up another what?

I'd like to just take a moment to commend you guys for being proactive. Seriously, if I'm on a date with a guy and while on that date they proactively ask to see me again in my head I'm like fuck yes. This guy 1. knows what he wants 2. knows how to time manage and 3. is mature. Setting up another date while you are on one eliminates any grey area that could result in misinterpretation about where you stand. When you are first seeing someone it's natural for anxiety to creep up and for you to second guess yourself if the person you are seeing is really into you. However, if we feel that you are proactive and initiate that you want to see us it will give us a little more comfort and honestly get us excited. Now, that doesn't mean that it is ok to go silent until our next date but a text 1-2 days before we are set to meet is still required to make sure that we are on the same page! When we know the date of when we are seeing you next, we require little maintenance in between. Clearly, we get excited over a tangible effort :)

4. The dates are going well but you aren't sure what you want

Listen, I get it and have been there before. It's difficult to get a gage of what you want out of something especially if it's only been a few dates. Personally, I'm still trying to figure out what I want out of a relationship with someone and what I am looking for in a partner as I'm sure many other twenty something-year-olds feel as well. If you're not sure if you like the person that's totally fine and normal, but it's still worth keeping in contact with them vs risk of losing them completely. This is a perfect situation for you to check in every few days. This will show her that you are interested but not totally sure how far you want to take this. This doesn't mean that you should be leading her on in anyway but if there is any interest at all it might be worth exploring vs losing.

So how many dates is it worth going on to know if you should still keep things going? Well, I think that you really get to know another person after a couple of months of seeing them and if after a couple of months you're still not sure then maybe you need to do some hard thinking. If you're still unsure, it may be better to end it instead of stringing her along. And if you do decide it's a no-go just tell her -- no one likes a ghoster, it’s 2018 for crying out loud.

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